How do I begin?

I have put off and put off and put off writing this post for almost two months now. I just haven’t  been ready. And when I start to feel ready something else happens. It has been a vicious cycle. Everyone keeps telling me that trials are experienced in threes. We just attended our third funeral in six weeks, so you all better be right.

On Dec 4, my mother in law (who I really considered a second mom) passed away.

Jackie was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer during the summer of 2009. I remember finding out that I was pregnant with Navi and being in shock, and honestly not too happy. (We had planned on two, then had Dax as a surprise so decided to get an IUD. You can imagine my SHOCK when finding out I was once again pregnant!)

I knew I had to tell Jackie about the pregnancy, but was a little nervous. Since we lived two doors down from each other, we spent many summer days together and on this particular day I just felt I needed to tell her. I sat down in her family room and told her that I had something to tell her and that she may want to sit down. (I know, dramatic right?!) I proceeded very unenthusiastically and with tears in my eyes to tell her that we were having another baby. I remember her response like it was yesterday. She just smiled at me, told me it was going to be a girl, and that there were a lot worse things in life. At this time she knew about the cancer, but hadn’t told us yet.

As we have been on this journey with Jackie for the last couple years I have wished that I could go back in time and have a totally different attitude about my pregnancy. I have realized that in the big picture, how silly that was. And YES, things could have been worse, and they were.

From the very beginning she was tough. She never let us know the full extent of her illness, always trying to protect us. She went through surgeries, collapsed lungs, stays in the ICU, numerous different chemo treatments, ER visits, hundreds of doctor appointments, radiation, drainage tubes, oxygen, shots, blood transfusions, medications and so much more. She fought the fight like have never seen before. All with a positive attitude and smile on her face. Rarely if ever would you hear Jackie complain. I love her for this. I love that she fought and kept fighting even with a very grey outlook ahead. She died knowing that she did everything that she could.

A few months ago Jackie knew that her time was running out, and wanted to have a family picture done. Aren’t we glad we did? She looks beautiful in these pictures. You would never know how sick she really was. That was just Jackie. She could get all dolled up and put on a smile and fool just about anyone, even if it was only for a short time before she had to put her oxygen back on or go lay down.

I remember when we got the pictures back. We were looking through them and got to the singles of her. She leaned over to me and in a joking way (even though she was serious) said, “these are for my obits.” She was always planning, trying to make things easier on everyone else. She even wrote a large portion of her obituary, only leaving a few spots for us to fill in. Jackie was selfless. I hope I can be like her when I grow up.

The night Jackie passed was the hardest night of my life to date. I can’t imagine what she was thinking or feeling. I remember getting a phone call from Krista (Kasey’s sister) in the afternoon of the 3rd. She just said that mom wasn’t doing good and she was on her way over to see what was going on. At the time, Krista didn’t know how bad it was and said she would call me when she knew more, but I knew. I just had a pit in my stomach and I knew. I hysterically called my little sister. I don’t even know if I was making sense or not but she just said, “don’t worry, we are on our way.” Thank God for sisters. That was just enough to calm me down so that I was able to call Kasey and get him on his way home.

By the time I got there around 5 pm the whole family was there along with Jackie’s hospice nurse. We spent the night rallied together spending our last hours with Jackie. Saying it was hard is an understatement. There is no way of describing the pain until you have gone through it yourself. Jackie fought and fought all night until she finally let go early Sunday morning. We all agreed that she seemed so peaceful and were glad that she was finally free of pain and suffering, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

We cried more tears than I knew possible. My heart ached for Kent. They were such a perfect match and in his own words, he had been robbed. My heart ached for Krista. She now has the rest of her life without her mom. They were best friends. They did everything together and had such an amazing relationship. My heart ached for Kasey. Of coarse because he is my husband but also because I felt like he just wasn’t prepared. He was hoping she would pull out of it, and that wasn’t happening. He was a mamma’s boy now without a mamma. My heart ached for Jackie’s parents, Cheryl and Bob. She was their only daughter, and it’s just not supposed to happen that way. But most of all, I guess because I am a mom, my heart ached for my kids. Jackie was more than a Grandma to them, she was a second mom. She came to our house every single morning for over a year and sat with the little kids while I brought Mason to school. The kids would beg to walk over and see Grandma. She would take them for Ice cream and McDonalds and to see Christmas lights and to feed cows. We spent most of the summer in the kiddie pools in her backyard, eating pizza and popsicles and fresh peas from her garden and pouring buckets of water down grandma’s legs to cool her down. They loved spending time with Grandma. Even while she was sick they loved to go over and sit with her, color, or watch a movie. How was I supposed to tell my dear, precious little kids that Grandma had died? It was almost to much to think about.

The next week was a whirlwind that I don’t remember a lot of. We were busy getting everything ready for her services. And I couldn’t have done it without the help of my sisters and Mom. Everything pretty much went as planned and we got through it.

We are continuing to take things day by day. Trying to get back to normal. It is a new and evolving normal. We are bound and determined to lean on each other and make the best out of life. There are good and bad days, but I know Jackie is rooting for us and only wanting us to be happy. As hard as it is, life must go on.

I love you Jackie and am so proud to be your daughter in law. Til’ we meet again.